Tuesday, 24 April 2012


It was a tough week. I cried a lot: with my therapist, with close friends on the phone and on my own. In my therapy I'm working hard on letting myself feel how I feel and not repress stuff which has been my habit for many years. There was no problem with that! I decided that I mustn't obsess about the matter in hand and have some fun if I felt up to it. So I decided to go to my usual Ceroc dancing evening. All was going well and I was being spun round the floor and dipped and flirted with as usual until it hit me. I was mid spin when I suddenly thought, this guy has no idea that I may be infertile. He thinks I'm this fun, vivacious dancing partner who is single and may want children but I may not be able to. I equated infertility with a lack of femininity. I knew logically that that wasn't true but it made me realise just how fundamentally I had been affected by discovering my lack of fertility. More grist for the mill for me and my therapist and a need for me to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself.

I found it impossible working out which investigations to book. The ones the London clinic wanted me to have were unavailable where I live. I spoke to my GP, a local consultant and emailed another local consultant. Everyone was very helpful but had different opinions on which investigations would be the most useful. Finally the letter came from the London consultant which outlined what I needed more clearly. I was then able to ask around again and found somewhere that could do a HyCoSy which is where a fluid is passed up into the fallopian tubes to check they are clear and a Saline Infusion Scan (SIS) which is where salt water is passed up into the uterus which allows a good view of the uterus with the ultrasound scan.

As a single woman, one of the hardest parts of this journey is finding people to help me practically. I've decided that emotionally I need someone with me for each visit whether to London or locally. This isn't as easy as it sounds with friends and family busy with children, work and other commitments. In the end my mother and stepfather took me for the investigations. I asked my mother if she'd come in with me but she wanted to keep my stepfather company. They dropped me off in the waiting room and went exploring the local area. I was dreading the waiting room. I had found it so difficult going to appointments on my own when I had had my eggs frozen. As before I sat alone in the room, a coffee machine, magazines and the obligatory three couples. Instead of dwelling on my singleness as I'm sure I had before I just played patience on my phone, thank goodness for technology which is totally absorbing.

The HyCoSy and SIS were not pleasant. However the staff were. The doctor explained everything she was going to do before and during the process. It took three attempts to get the catheter into the correct place but it worked in the end and the scan clearly showed that my tubes are perfect and the fibroid is not embedded into the wall of the uterus. What a relief. I now do not need the operation to have the fibroid removed. I felt very faint during the investigation, that's normal they assured me, and I had to stay lying down until the colour came back to me. I was given tea and biscuits in the recovery room and my mother came down to join me. I was very glad I had asked for a lift because I did not feel up to driving. I made myself unavailable for work for the next day as well and was glad as I felt quite tender and may have found teaching PE or anything else physical challenging.

I am now awaiting the results letter from the investigations which I will take to the consultant for a mini consultation to work out a plan for treatment.

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